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Frequently asked questions

Q: What Are The Common Causes of Extramarital Relationships?
A: Surprisingly, affairs can occur in happy marriages as well as troubled ones. The spouse involved in the affair may try to justify their inappropriate behavior by believing that they are simply "not getting enough" from their marriage. Often however, the spouse involved in the affair is actually the one who is not giving enough. Affairs most often occur in relationships where there is a lack of affection (i.e.: withholding sex due to being involved in an affair) or when one spouse is exposed to a social context in which infidelity is condoned (I.e. Vegas, Los Angeles, a "free-spirited" circle of friends, etc.) Vulnerabilities that lead to Extramarital Relationships are directly linked to marital problems (e.g., avoidance of conflict, fear of intimacy) or life cycle changes (e.g., transition to parenthood, empty-nest syndrome, menopause, etc). Some "dissatisfied spouses" begin an extramarital relationship as a way of mentally & physically escaping from what they perceive to be an unhappy marriage.

Q: How can I tell if I am married to a "sex-addict"?
A: Multiple affairs may indicate an addiction to sex, love or romance. Love and romance addicts are driven by the passion of a "new" relationship. Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the "high" and the intense release of sexual orgasm.

Q: Is Infidelity on the rise in our society?
A: Yes. Research clearly shows that a new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships. This is particularly true in the workplace and on the Internet.

Q: What's the difference between an emotional affair and a close friendship?
A: Emotional affairs differ from a close platonic friendship if there is:

  1. A greater emotional intimacy in the alleged friendship than in the marital relationship,
  2. Secrecy and deception to protect the "friendship", and to spend more time with the alleged "friend".
  3. "Sexual chemistry" between your spouse and the alleged friend.

Q: What is an Internet affair and what are the signs?
A: Let's look at typical indicators I personally discovered while investigating internet affairs. If your marriage is in trouble these clues can help. Caution: These clues are not necessarily confirmation of an Internet affair.

  1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line.
  2. Passwords, instant messages, internet e-mail accounts and e-mails are being concealed from you!
  3. Routine computer use after you have gone to bed, or whenever you fall asleep.
  4. Your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach.
  5. The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your line of sight.
  6. Clears all internet history after chat sessions, or uses software to automatically rid this information from the computers memory.
  7. Exhibits a compulsive need to be online and seems defensive when confronted about it.
  8. Shares personal information, photos or events with "unknown persons" in emails, chat-rooms or while "instant messaging"
  9. Pays a monthly subscription fee to be a member in "unidentified" web-sites.
  10. Excessive "text-messaging" to unknown persons.

Internet affairs can cause severe marital distress, even without actual physical contact. People involved with internet affairs also mirror the behaviors of an "emotional affair". However, Internet affairs in which extramarital intercourse does occur have the most disruptive impact.

Q: Can a marriage return to "normal", or even become "better" after a spouse has "strayed"?
A: After the devastating disclosure of the infidelity, it is natural for couples to feel intense emotions and have recurrent conflicts as they work through the hurt. However, the good news is that the majority of marriages not only survive the infidelity, but marriage and family therapists agree that once the infdelity is revealed, the marraiage can actually become stronger.

Q: "...Isn't it better to pretend "not to know" and carry on as if nothing is happening?"
A: NO!

We have observed that many marriages can in fact become stronger and even more intimate. The key is in exposing the affair first. Only then can the healing begin.